An Attempt to Selfishly Control Everything
by Humor Queen Merc
Summary: What do you get when you give the queen of humor the power to control the universe? Now with Part 2 up, Cephied doing the hula, and Xellos singing love songs, just to name a few.
1. An Attempt to Selfishly Control Everythi...

Authors notes - I felt like taking a break from the interviews (for now) to write this. I hope you all enjoy it. Also, it's pure insanity with no plot, so if you're not into that sort of thing then it's best that you walk away now before you're embroiled in the mindless antics of my fanfic. ^^ Also, visit my site, The Unofficial Slayers Funny Site at www.geocities.com/ameriagreywards  
  
Disclaimer - I don't own Slayers, no I do not. Wish I did though. Bummer how life works, eh?  
  
A Bold Attempt to Selfishly Control Everything (Slayers)  
  
  
  
Me: Alrighty, due to a strange, mysterious, and totally magical miracle, I now have the power to control everything in the universe!  
  
Everybody alive: Grooooooaaaaaaan  
  
Me: Hm, shouldn't you all be happy for me?  
  
Everybody alive: YAY!!!  
  
Me: That's better! Now then, let's go have some fun in one of my most favorite places, the Slayers world!  
  
Little boy: But that's just a cartoon, it doesn't exist!  
  
Me: Now it does!  
  
*Suddenly the world turns 2D and everything is animated*  
  
Me: See?  
  
Little boy: Cooooooool!  
  
Me: Now for a little bit of fun! Hm, I've always wanted to hang out with Lina.  
  
*Suddenly Lina pops out of nowhere*  
  
Lina: Nani?  
  
Me: (Continuing the last sentence) Who speaks English!  
  
Lina: What the @#$%?!  
  
Me: Hiya Lina!  
  
Lina: Who the @#$% are you? What the @#$% is going on here? @#$% I was just eating! Aw $%^& this ^%&* sucks!  
  
Me: Ah, language, we gotta get rid of that.  
  
Lina: Why, what ever would I be doing here? And who might you be? Why am I talking like this?  
  
Me: I'm Merc, and I control everything in the universe!  
  
Lina: Do you now? Well that is ever so bad, for I was eating the most dilectible meal when you transported me here. You're from the monster world, aren't you?  
  
Me: Nope! I'm from REALITY *dun**dun**dun!*  
  
Lina: Oh, that explains ever so much.  
  
Me: Ok, this is getting annoying, just talk like normal, only minus the cusswords.  
  
Lina: ARGH!!! I WANNA GO BACK!!!  
  
Me: This is getting boring, let's have some REAL fun now. Amelia, Zelgadiss, Gourry, Filia, Naga, and Xellos come on over! Oh yeah, and you all speak English! Bwahahaha!  
  
*Suddenly everybody mentioned appears out of nowhere*  
  
Amelia: Oh my...  
  
Zelgadiss: ...  
  
Filia: WHO BROUGHT ME HERE?!?! WHO?!?!  
  
Naga: Ohohohohoho! Where has the lovely Naga been brought this time?  
  
Gourry: So THAT'S where you went Lina!  
  
Xellos: Hey there Lina...  
  
Lina: ACK!!!  
  
Me: BWAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Lina: Take everybody back this instant you butthole!  
  
Me: Don't cross me Lina Inverse, you can't hurt me here.  
  
*Suddenly Lina's suspended by her toes above a volcano.*  
  
Gourry: LINA!!!  
  
Lina: GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!!!  
  
Me: Not 'till you apologize.  
  
Lina: NEVER!!!  
  
Amelia: Please let her down, it's unjust to leave one hanging by their toes above a volcano like that.  
  
Me: Amelia, you're just like Xellos.  
  
Amelia: What's that supposed to mean...never mind, for THAT is a secret! I will now to horrible torturous acts and woo many women!  
  
Me: Er...scrap that, you're just evil.  
  
Amelia: MAY UNJUSTICE RULE THE WORLD!!!  
  
Filia: Ack! No more Xellos'!  
  
Me: Ah but Filia, don't you want to have kids with Xellos?  
  
Filia: Whaaaaaaaaaat? With that NAMA-oh Xellos, father my children!  
  
Xellos: ACK!!! *attempts to teleport away*  
  
Me: Nuh-uh! *Drags Xellos, kicking and screaming, back* I know what to do with you...  
  
*Suddenly Xellos is frolicing happily through a field of marigolds with happy singing bunnies and a smiling sun*  
  
Xellos: Frolic frolic frolic...  
  
*Filia starts to chase after Xellos as he happily frolics around*  
  
Filia: FATHER MY CHILDREN!!!  
  
Xellos: I'm so happy, I might, dare I say it? FROLIC MORE!!! Wheeeeeeeeee!  
  
Amelia: NO!!! You musn't frolic! *Trips Xellos* You must be evil and do evil things! eeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiiil! Bwahahaha!  
  
Lina: HELLO?!?! Aren't you forgetting about me here?  
  
Me: Nope  
  
Gourry: Let her down now! *Draws out Sword of Light*  
  
Me: Gourry, don't you want to go make out with Naga?  
  
Naga: Ohohohoho no!  
  
Me: Naga, your voice sounds so angelic!  
  
*Suddenly Naga's voice sounds really pretty and Gourry starts making out with her*  
  
Lina: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! GOURRY YOU DUMB BUTT!!! GET OVER HERE AND SAVE ME!!!  
  
Gourry: Mph mph mph mph! *Translation - in a minute!*  
  
*Zelgadiss just sits in a corner, drinking coffee and minding his own business as he watches the chaos around him.*  
  
Me: Wow Zelgadiss, I forgot all about you. Hm, what to do with you. I know! *Gets real evil glint in her eye* Don't you just wanna talk all day about everything with everybody?  
  
Zelgadiss: ...So then she says to me, "Don't be so unjust Mr. Zelgadiss and I'm all like, whatever, and she's all like, yeah, ya know, and dude, I mean, come ON, I mean, like, totally, like, don't you get what I'm saying, yeah and then REZO, geez what an #$%, anywho, he gets all spazzy like he's got PMS or whatever and turns me into THIS, I mean, what the @#$% is THIS?! THAT @#$%^&! I mean, argh, it's so not fair, I hate my life, I wanna commit suicide, I wanna live, I don't know what I want, argh, where the &*$% is my cure? There had BETTER be a cure, because if there isn't, oh ho if there isn't...  
  
Amelia: *Kicks Xellos after tripping him, then goes to tickle Lina as she's suspended form mid-air, then throws water on a spazzing Filia, followed by pounding Gourry and Naga over their heads with rocks as they make out.* More EVIL! Must have more EVIL! Evilevilevilevilevil! BWAHAHAHA!!! Let the evilness ENSUE!  
  
Lina: *Can't stop laughing from Amelia's tickling.* HAHAHA...get....HAHAHA...me...HAHAHA...down....HAHA...from...HAHAHA...here.. .HAHA...  
  
Gourry and Naga: Mph mph mph mph!  
  
Xellos: Despite being kicked, tripped, chased around by Filia to father her children, and being a mazoku, I'm so happy that I could do a little jig! *Starts to do a little jig*  
  
Filia: Must...have...children...with...namagomi...must...reproduce...scary...hybrid ...children...  
  
Me: Ok, now this is getting weird. Everything back to normal, with no memory of what happened!  
  
*Suddenly everything is back to normal and nobody remembers anything*  
  
Lina: Who are you? AND WHERE THE #$%^& IS MY FOOD?!?!  
  
Gourry: I want food too!  
  
Amelia: I gotta get back to the council meeting so that I may right the wrongs of the world!  
  
Zelgadiss: ...  
  
Xellos: That is a secret!  
  
Me: Including this? *Holds up jar of jam*  
  
Xellos: Even that! Everything is a secret! You shall no nothing! Bye bye! *Phases out*  
  
Filia: Where'd little Val go? I was watching him a few minutes ago...and who in the name of Cephied are you?  
  
Me: Ugh, this is too much, everybody go away! I wanna go home for now!  
  
*Suddenly everything is back to the way it originally was.*  
  
Me: Great, now I'm back in reality. Ugh, wait, I know!  
  
*Suddenly all the teachers at her school give her A+'s for the rest of her teenage life, and she is awarded the best person in America award, and is exempted from school so that she may persue more wholesome activities, such as sleeping.*  
  
Me: YAY!!! Oh, and one more thing...  
  
*Out of nowhere Minnesota, where Merc lives, heats up to a nice summer temperature of the entire year, every evil person in the world dissapears, and everybody's happy with their nice cherry smoothies.*  
  
----------------------------------------  
  
So, like it? Hate it? Just too weird? Tell me! Review or e-mail or whatever, just check out my bio and you can gather the info needed to spam me there. ^^ 


	2. An Attempt to Selfishly Control Everythi...

Author's Notes: Hey everyone! Just thought I'd add onto this little series. ^^ Visit my web site at www.geocities.com/ameriagreywards. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Slayers! Though I wish I did...v.v  
  
Rated: Um, PG for Naga's boobs.  
  
A Bold Attempt to Control Everything – Part 2  
  
*Notes – in the end of this fic, signal the cast talking in Japanese, but the text being in English.*  
  
Me: Hello everyone! I'm back, with great news. I've still got that strange and mysterious power over the universe! Isn't that great?  
  
*A huge sold-out stadium full of people appear cheering*  
  
Me: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hm, what should I do first? I know! There's nothing like having fun with one of your favorite animes. I think I'll have more fun with the Slayers!  
  
*Lina suddenly appears*  
  
Lina: Nani?!  
  
Me: Hello Lina!  
  
Lina: Eh? Nani-yo?  
  
Me: Speak English.  
  
Lina: What the heck? What's going on? Where am I? *Suddenly sees me* WHA!!! Oh God, not you again!  
  
Me: Bwahaha, yes, it is I, the great master of the universe!  
  
Lina: Cephied help me!  
  
Me: That could be arranged.  
  
*Suddenly, English-speaking Xellos, Martina, Zangulus, Amelia, Zelgadiss, Gourry, Naga, Sylphiel, Luna, and Cephied appear.*  
  
Lina: *Screams like a banshee at the sight of Luna and digs a hole to the center of the Earth, where she cements herself in using medieval cementing techniques.*  
  
Everyone: o0;  
  
Me: Hello everyone! Welcome to my world!  
  
Gourry: Where are we?  
  
Me: Why, in Minnesota of course!  
  
Zelgadiss: Where?  
  
Naga: OHOHOHOHOH!!! Feel that cold winter air! *Screams down to Lina * HEY LINA, MY BOOBS ARE STILL BIGGER THAN YOURS!!! NYA NYA!!!  
  
Everyone: o0;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;  
  
Me: It's actually Spring here.  
  
Amelia: It is? Where are all the flowers and green trees?  
  
Me: Dead.  
  
Amelia: Ack! Such a dismal world this is!  
  
Me: Hey, I didn't pick the climate here! I can't help it if it's still 40 degrees here when it's May!  
  
Amelia: Injustice! I, Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune, will truimph over the cold and dismal Mother Nature with the catapult of justice! The gigantic cheese wheel of justice! I shall smite Mother Nature down with the mighty fist of justice, the mighty mascot of justice, the mighty hammer of justice, the mighty magazine of justice...  
  
Me: *Who has been thinking the whole time * Hey wait a minute! I control the universe! *Shuts Amelia up and turns Minnesota into the Bahamas* Ahhhhhhhhh, much better.  
  
Sylphiel: Oh my...  
  
*Luna and Cephied just sit there looking important*  
  
Luna: ...  
  
Cephied: ...  
  
Me: Blah, this is boring. Let's have some fun, shall we?  
  
Zangulus: (Whispering to Xellos) Where did she get her powers from?  
  
Xellos: That is a secret!  
  
Zangulus: No it isn't! You don't even know her!  
  
Xellos: ...So...?  
  
Me: Ok, now for some action. Let's see...  
  
*Suddenly human Zelgadiss is in swim trunks on a surfboard in the middle of the ocean.*  
  
Zelgadiss: My...cure...MY CURE!!! OH CEPHIED, IT'S MY CURE, IT'S MY...uh- oh...  
  
*Suddenly notices the band of 50 sharks circling him. *  
  
Zelgadiss: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!  
  
Amelia: (Gesturing wildly, still being shut up by Me) Mph mph mph mph mphmphmph! (Translation – Don't worry my love, I will save you!)  
  
*Suddenly Amelia has the sudden major urge to fish, and goes off to a nearby lake. *  
  
Me: Hehe...  
  
Lina: Why you...Darkness beyond twilight...  
  
Me: Ahem, let's not.  
  
*Lina is suddenly in the middle of Siberia, wearing nothing but a loin cloth. *  
  
Lina: (Screams so loud that it can be heard over in Minnehamas (Minnesota and Bahamas combined)  
  
Luna: ...Hmph...  
  
Cephied: ...  
  
Me: Aw, you two are no fun.  
  
*Suddenly Cephied dissapears, then reappears in a hula-outfit with a little ukalele. Cephied starts to play (rather badly) a hula song while swishing its, er, tail around. *  
  
Luna: I'm afraid I can't let you abuse Cephied like that.  
  
Sylphiel: I must agree.  
  
*Both start to power up attacks. *  
  
Me: Ok, then I'll abuse you two also!  
  
Luna and Sylphiel: *Turn pale*  
  
*Suddenly, Luna and Sylphiel turn into two Backstreet Boys and start dancing and singing around the island.*  
  
Zelgadiss: (Screaming) HEY!!! HELLO?!? I'M STILL HERE!!! LITTLE HELP?!?!  
  
Lina: (Continues screaming from Siberia)  
  
Xellos: (Laughs)  
  
Me: Hm, who do I have left to torture?  
  
*Xellos, Gourry, Naga, Martina, and Zangulus get very scared and start to inch away.*  
  
Me: Not so fast!  
  
*Naga suddenly looses her boobs, Martina turns into a duck, and Xellos turns into Barney and tries to hug and love everyone.*  
  
Martina: Quack, quack, quack...  
  
Naga: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! MY BOOBS!!! MY BEAUTIFUL BOOBS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I'M FLATTER THAN LINA!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! *Starts to cry like a baby*  
  
Xellos: Aw, don't be sad little girl, I'll make it all better. I know! Let's sing the love song! *Sings* Everybody needs a hug, from a person to a bug, everybody needs a hug. Everybody needs a kiss, whether sad or in bliss, everybody needs a kiss. Everybody needs some love, be it here or from above, everybody needs some love. Loooooooooove, love, love, love, happy flowers, happy people, happy children, happy home, looooooooooove! After all, love makes the world go 'round!  
  
Martina: o0; Quack?!  
  
Gourry: *Just sits there in shock*  
  
Naga: THAT'S NOT HELPING!!! *Pounds Xellos on the head with a boulder* I WANT BY BOOBIES BACK!!!  
  
Xellos: *From under the boulder* Love, love, love, lovelovelove, love, love, lovelovelove, makes the world go 'round. Your boulder can't hurt me, no matter what you do, I'll pick a bunch of flowers and I'll give them to you...  
  
*Naga crushes Xellos with a Dragon Slave.*  
  
Zangulus: Oh boy, my wife is a duck, that annoying chick lost her rack, and Cephied is...is...doing the...hula. I know just the thing to get me out of this nightmare. Come Gourry, let us spar!  
  
Gourry: NOW?!?!  
  
Zangulus: *Attacks Gourry*  
  
Me: Not so fast!  
  
*Gourry is suddenly turned into Lina and Zangulus' hands fall off.*  
  
Gourry: (In Lina's voice) OH GOD, I'M A GIRL!!!  
  
Zangulus: MY HANDS!!! MY HANDS!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOW I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SPAR AGAIN!!! *Starts to cry like a baby*  
  
Xellos: *Appearing from under the rubble.* Aw, it sounds like someone needs a hug. *Hugs Zangulus*  
  
Gourry: Oh Cephied, I'm flat, I've got red hair, I've the uncontrollable urge to kill someone, I'M LINA!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!  
  
*Suddenly, from Siberia...*  
  
Lina: I CAN HEEEEEAAAAAAAR YOUUUUUUU GOOUUURRRRRRRYYYY...PREEEEEEPAAAAAAAAREEEEEE TO DIEEEEEE...  
  
Gourry: *Gulp*  
  
Zelgadiss: Hello? Anybody? Help? Please?  
  
Cephied: *Singing in its dragon voice* And if you wanna Tijuana, then you can just a-waggle away, I wanna go to the Bahamas and sit on the beach all the day, I really wanna...*Continues to do the hula*  
  
Luna and Slyphiel: *Singing* 'Cause it ain't no lie, baby, bye, bye, bye, BYE BYE!!! *Luna and Sylphiel continue to dance like maniacs around the island*  
  
Lina: HEY!!! I'M COLD HERE!!!  
  
Amelia: *Hums as she continues to fish despite the now two-story pile of fish that she has sitting next to her.*  
  
Martina: Quack, quack, quack, quack...*Pitter-patters around the island*  
  
Xellos: (By now has stopped hugging Zangulus) Today is a perfect day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, ah, could life be any better? *Breaks into song* I love you, you love me, we're a happy family, with a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me to? I love you, you love me, let's all dance and be happy, with a great big shout and we'll dance around the world...  
  
Zangulus: My hands...*cries more*  
  
Naga: My boobs...*cries more*  
  
Gourry: My manhood...*cries more*  
  
Me: Aw, alright, everything back to normal!  
  
*Suddenly everything is back to normal in frigid Minnesota, with Japanese- speaking Slayers and Cephied*  
  
Me: Thanks for coming by you guys, I had fun!  
  
Lina: What the heck just happened?  
  
Zelgadiss: Where are we?  
  
Luna: I don't know  
  
Lina: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Me: Er, bye now!  
  
*Sends the cast, including the screaming Lina, back to Slayers land.*  
  
Me: Ah, that was fun. Now to become queen of the world and move to Jamaca...  
  
The End?  
  
So, like it? Hate it? Tell me! Review, e-mail, visit my web site at www.geocities.com/ameriagreywards, whatever. ^^ Thanks for reading! 


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